Memories Kill Me and Ignorance fails me.

I have been wondering for sometime now, Why do I feel sad when someone close to my heart leaves me. Then I remember the saying "You look back, You end-up laughing thinking of the moments you cried. But U cry thinking of the moments you had laughed" Very true indeed. The other day I was browsing through our college community on Orkut. I found some guys had uploaded links for photographs of our college. This was a real nostalgic moment for me. They had posted pics of most of our usual hangouts. I brought back memories of olden days(or is it golden). Each place had (atleast) one story associated with it, each a moment of laugh we had shared. One site led to the other and by evening I had browsed through 15 sites atleast. This covered every inch of Nitte.

Even after I shutdown my PC, I was still in my college. I could not think of anything else apart from that. Those sweet memories......
I also saw a couple of pics which had made me heartbroken then. These are the moments that make me laugh now. There were hundreds of pics which had made me happy then. I almost cry looking at them now. Why I am missing my college days so much. Why am I missing so many people. I try ignoring most of it telling " no, this is not important. That was just a phase in my life" But ignorance doesn't help. My heart knows its not true. By night I ended up having a heavy heart. I never know the meaning of heavy heart till now. Yesterday night while I was sleeping(trying to) my thoughts flying else where and suddenly I thought of my college, and I felt my heart going heavy.

I for once decided not to think of my happy moments in life. But now I have realised, that can't be done. people change with what is convinient to them. This makes some hearts, breaks many hearts. I had never understood Why this should happen. But I now know, I must have done this myself before. I have changed a hundred times to make my current being. One persons decision affects a bigger number of peoples' lives. I don't want these memories. 'Yeh joh yaadein hai, sabhi kaante hai. MiTado inhe. haTaa do inhe.....'

PS: Here I mention college days intentionally, but it must be replaced by many other things. Many other people to be exact.

WHY????....

This is the question that haunts a man all his life. It gets even worse when he doesn't get an answer. This question grips U from the time of your birth. You are still in its its grip when you are in your death bed.

The questions that follow "why" differ depending on your age. The question of an infant could be Why is this person carrying me all the time? Why is nobody else carried? Why are all surrounding me this way, haven't they seen a person sleep before?
Why do i have to cry everytime i an hungry? Why is this person trying to clean me up? I dont need a bath. Why is she talking to me in that alien language?
Simultaneously the answers will be rolling in your parents minds again with a WHY. Why does this child cry when I put him ? Why cant he shutup if there is no one around him? Why cant he keep quite is he is not carried? Why is he not yet crying... he should have been hungry by now? Where on earth does he get himself this dirty? Why is he not telling "MOM", I have been trying to teach him this for a month now?

But as you grow your area of questioning changes. Mon Why do you always make the same curry for dinner? Why cant you finish my homework while i paly out? Why cant I watch TV all night as dad odes it? And of course Calvins classic Why does the sky become red when the sun sets? these questions are natural. Its good as you get to know the way to live.

Then your quarter life crisis hits. This is when you badly search for answers. And ofcourse fail miserably. Why doesn't she look at me? Why doesn't she return my smile? Why are all behind the girl I am? etc etc. but what is still haunting me is....

Why doesn't anyone... I mean anyone tell me I love You. I have tried all the desperate means. Though i know many people who love me, they never tell me I love you when I badly need it. I try all desperate measures to get one. I bump home and announce Hi dad, Love you..... Why doesn't he reply back, love you too son. i message my best friend, love you... why does she start off. "oh manju, this is so nice. I never thought you would still love me after our last fight". I mail Jason "hey Jason etc etc etc .... love U buddy" why does he reply back "thanks and regards, jason" Come on... somebody tell me I love You....

Still my question is why do i go to such drastic measures for an I love U.... like announcing it, messaging it, BLOGGING IT? Why?

by the way there is a comments section if you wanna write something......

Somebody somewhere... for me???

Was thinking of old friends today

And how many of them have slipped away.

Moved, got married, or stopped calling so much,

Found new friends, got busy, and just lost touch.

It reminded me of falling leaves.

Every autumn the leaves fall from the trees.

Some stay longer than others, but eventually -

Each leaf must fall, I'm told,

Leaving the tree alone to face the cold.

Why is it that in the time of utmost need

The leaves would seek to leave the tree?

And when we need our friends around

We look and they can not be found?

Of course these friendships come and go

And in the spring new leaves will grow.

But I prefer autumn friends of old

With crackling laughter and colors bold.

It saddens me now I must admit

How somehow, someway, I did forget

Laughing with old friends of mine

During summers when the sun would shine.

And then I thought of you.

That one stubborn leaf that won't let go.

That clings despite the winds that blow.

Fighting ice, and snow,

and winter's stings Hanging on right through till spring.

So I guess that's what you are to me -

The very last leaf to leave the tree.

I know it seems silly, but it's true.

When I see that last leaf...I think of you.